The Silent Struggle
by HeroesLover77
Summary: After behind the blue line, Sam is struggling. He's acting out, and won't tell the team why. He remembers his early army days, and how some of the guys used drugs to deal with the emotional pain of the job...Sam-centric, some Sam/Ed friendship, no slash.
1. Chapter 1

Summary - After behind the blue line, Sam is struggling. He's acting out, and won't tell the team why. He remembers his early army days, and how some of the guys used drugs to deal with the emotional pain of the job…

(Disclaimer: I don't own anything, or anyone in this story.)

CHAPTER ONE -

Sam put the car in park, and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, closing his eyes and listening to the heavy rain pounding on the windshield. He was already late for work, but he didn't want to go inside yet.

Since Darren's death at the old hockey rink, things had been tough on Sam. His nights were sleepless, and his mind was constantly filled with disturbing questions. When he did manage to fall asleep, he dreamt horrible, vivid dreams.

Now he let his mind drift back to his army days. It was near the beginning, before Sam was special ops. He remembered sitting in a circle in the barracks with a few other guys, playing cards. He had made his very first kill earlier that day, and the older soldiers knew he was feeling upset about it.

"Hey, man, try some of this." One of them said. He tossed him a little baggy of white powder. Sam glanced at him, unsure.

"It puts your mind at ease. For a while, at least." The soldier assured him.

Sam had tried the stuff once before, back in high school, and hadn't cared much for it back then. Still, this wasn't anything like high school. He decided to give it another try. It worked this time.

For the next few months, Sam used it often. Too often. He was never caught, but once he realised how addicted he had become, he stopped. It was really starting to affect his attitude and abilities, and he would be caught if he continued, which would probably mean a dishonourable discharge.

Sam was jolted back to reality by the sound of someone knocking on his window. It was Spike. He was holding his jacket collar, trying to keep the rain out. Sam rolled down the window.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing? Sarge tried your cell twice, and your home phone. He just sent me to go check your apartment to see if you were okay." 

Sam glanced over at the cell resting in the passenger seat. The screen read 'Two missed calls'. He looked at the radio. He had been sitting in the parking lot, zoned out, for nearly forty-five minutes.

"Are you okay?" Spike asked. Sam nodded.

"Okay. Let's go then." He opened the door for him, and Sam grabbed his phone and got out.

When the two SRU officers entered the briefing room, all eyes were on Sam. He had bags under his eyes, and his blonde hair was dripping wet.

"I'm sorry I'm late." Sam said to everyone, staring at the ground. He quickly took his place across the table from Greg and Ed, who glanced at each other, worried. He didn't make eye contact with either of them.

"We just finished, Sam." Greg announced.

"Um…oh." Was all Sam thought to say. The group sat there awkwardly for a moment.

"Okay well, why don't the rest of you hit the gym. I'll fill Sam in, and we'll join you all in a minute." Greg said. The group took the hint, and got up out of their chairs. When only Sam and Greg remained, Sam finally looked up.

"Sam, this is the third time in a week." Greg reminded him gently.

"I know, I'm really sorry. I just…haven't been sleeping too well, you know?"

"If you need to talk to someone -"

"I'm fine. I won't be late anymore." He replied quickly.

"Is this because of Darren?"

"Don't talk about that!" Sam snapped. Greg looked taken back. Sam became aware of his insubordination, and sighed.

"I'm fine. Okay? Is that it?" Sam stood up.

Greg nodded. "I'll see you in the gym." He said.

Sam left, and Greg rubbed his temples. There was definitely something going on. And he just hoped things weren't going to get worse.

The day was a blur for Sam. No one tried to make conversation, but he felt their eyes on him whenever he walked by. Luckily, there was no emergency that required them at all that day. If there had been, Sam wasn't sure he would've been allowed to go. He wasn't sure he would've been up to going.

He couldn't believe how tired and depressed he felt.

That night, Sam lay awake once again. He stared up at the ceiling, and recalled the amazing feeling of the drugs coursing through his body. How they took the pain away so easily, how they helped him sleep.

He turned and flicked on the bedside lamp. He took a black book out of his drawer and flipped to the back page. The number jotted down was one that he had dialled many times during his leave between his first and second tours. Back when he was addicted to coke. He was his only drug contact outside the military. He made up his mind to call the guy first thing in the morning, before work.

The next morning, Sam was on the stationary bike, when Ed walked over. Sam sped up, as if trying to run away from him. Ed turned up the dial, until the resistance level was at it's highest. Sam struggled to move forward, and gave up.

"Can I help you?" Sam asked, sounding a bit more rude than he intended.

"Yes actually." Ed replied politely. "You can tell me what's up."

"The sky." Sam said lamely. Ed glared at him.

"I'm being serious here. I want answers, Sam." Ed placed his hands on his hips.

"I already talked to Sarge." Sam said.

"You call that talking? Because he doesn't."

"That's his problem." Sam answered, getting off the bike. He started to the next thing, but Ed grabbed his arm.

"Watch yourself, Braddock." He said warningly. He let go of him.

"We're just trying to help." Ed told him. He sounded less angry now, more desperate. Sam felt bad now. But he didn't show it. He just went on his way, to do his next exercise. He didn't know why he was taking his anger out on his friends, and he wished he could stop.

He looked at the clock. His shift was almost over. He began to get nervous. After all, he had agreed to meet the drug dealer right after he was done. It had been years since he touched the stuff.

But if it meant he would be able to get back to normal, he was willing to risk it.

A/N: What do you think? Please review! Thanks :)


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO -

Sam closed his locker. Ed and Wordy were laughing about something, but Sam hadn't been paying attention to it. He was preoccupied.

"Sam!" Ed called him. He looked up.

"Spike, Wordy and I are heading to the pub to get some drinks. Care to join us?" He asked.

There was an air of expectation about the three older officers. They knew what he was going to say.

"Ah, maybe another time. I've got plans."

"Big surprise there." Spike muttered. Sam glared at him. Spike just looked back.

"See you all tomorrow." Sam murmured, pushing past them to the door. Ed watched him leave. He was tired of seeing Sam like this.

"What is WRONG with that guy?" Wordy asked, shaking his head sadly. He closed his locker. "Anyways. Ready to go guys?"

"Know what, you two go ahead. I'll meet you over there. I've got something to do first." Ed told them. The other two didn't question him about it, but agreed. They all headed out to the parking lot.

Sam was already pulling out of the parking lot by the time Ed got into his car. He was going to get to the bottom of this whole thing. He quickly put the car into drive, and followed Sam out of the parking lot, and onto the road, keeping a good distance between them to avoid being spotted.

Sam didn't need to check the road signs as he drove. He used to take the same route all those years ago to meet this guy for his fix. It was imprinted into his mind permanently. He finally found the right road, and parked in front of a boarded up old corner store. He got out of the car and looked around.

Ed spotted him, and parked one block up. He got out of his car, and stealthily made his way forward.

Sam walked around the corner and spotted his man in the alley between the rundown building and the one beside it.

"Sam." The man said. "It's been too long."

"Yeah." Sam replied anxiously. "So…you got it?"

"Sure do." He patted his pocket.

Ed poked his head around the side of the building, hoping he wouldn't be seen. What he saw confirmed his rising suspicions. Sam was talking to a shady looking guy in a back alley. He had been a cop for a long time. He knew what this was.

"How much?" Sam asked.

"How much you got?" The guy asked. Sam rolled his eyes. What a cliché thing to say. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and took out some bills.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" The dealer cried. Sam, confused looked down at his wallet. He saw his badge.

"O-okay calm down." Sam said. "I know how this must look…"

"This is a set up! It's a bust!" He said accusingly. "Since when are you a cop!"

"I can explain!" Sam cried. The dealer drew a gun from his jacket. Sam took a step back.

_This is getting out of hand,_ thought Ed. He had a gun in his waist holster, but he didn't want to barge in there with a weapon.

"Sam…" Ed said, taking a few steps forward. Sam turned and the dealer looked alarmed.

"Sir, what are you doing here?" He asked, turning even more pale.

"Aha! I knew it!" The dealer grabbed Sam around the neck, and held the gun to his head. "Where are the rest of the cops? There can't just be two of you!"

"Whoa!" Ed said, holding his hands up. "Look, Sam wasn't lying to you. This isn't a bust. I followed him here." He made eye contact with Sam, which made the younger officer feel extremely ashamed.

"You're lying." The dealer said. He was clearly panicked. He might have even been high.

"No he's not! I swear, man, I was coming here for myself. You know how I used to be." Sam said, squirming under the dealer's tight hold on him.

It hurt Ed to hear that. He never knew that Sam had a history of drugs before. It wasn't in his file. It was bad enough if he was using now, but if he had been clean for however long just to fall back into an addiction, that was even worse.

"Listen. No one has to get hurt here. I don't even know your name. We can all walk away from this thing, and I wouldn't even be able to arrest you. Just put the gun down."

The dealer seemed to be considering his offer. Then, Sam took the opportunity to act. He swiftly elbowed the man in the nose, sending him staggering back. The dealer fired his gun. The bullet hit Sam in the shoulder.

"ARGH!" Sam cried. He fell backwards. Ed whipped out his gun and fired at the subject. The dealer was hit, and fell to the ground. Ed raced over, and kicked the gun out of the dealer's hand. Then he went over and knelt next to Sam.

"Hey, you're okay. It just hit your shoulder." He assured him. Sam started to move, but Ed told him not to. He dialled 911.

"They're on their way." He said. He ripped the bottom of his shirt and tied the strip of cloth around Sam's wound.

"I'm fine." Sam said, his words slurring.

"You know, I've had just about enough you saying that." Ed half joked. Sam blushed a bit.

"I'm really sorry, sir. I wasn't…I didn't…"

"Hey, there will be plenty of time for me to yell at you later. Just relax for now." Ed said, offering a weak smile. He heard the sirens.

"I'm gonna check on the subject. Hang on." Ed said. He went over and checked for vital signs. There was a pulse.

"The ambulance is on it's way. You're going to be okay. Hang in there." Ed said. The dealer grunted. The bullet had hit him in the lower abdomen. It looked like no vital organs were hit, which was good. Ed then returned to his friend.

"He's alive." Ed told him.

"That's good." Sam said. "My shoulder hurts like a bitch." Ed laughed.

Two ambulances arrived, and the four paramedics rushed over with stretchers.

"I'll follow you to the hospital, Sam." Ed told him as the paramedics loaded the younger officer into the back of the ambulance.

"Okay. Wait!" He sat up. One of the medics forced him back down. "Are you gonna tell the Sergeant?"

Ed frowned. "We'll talk about it at the hospital." He said. Then the doors closed, and Ed started back down the street to where he had parked his car. Then he remembered that he was supposed to meet Spike and Wordy at the pub. Change of plans…

A/N: What did you think? Did you like it? Was it a bit unrealistic? haha. Please review! Stay tuned for the third (and final) chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE -

Sam sat in the hospital bed, thinking. Ed was down getting them some coffee. He couldn't believe that he was driven to do the unthinkable that day. The sun was set now, but Sam had no idea what time it was. It couldn't have been all that late, but after such an exhausting day, he just wanted to sleep.

Sleep. That was something that he hadn't wanted to do in a long time. Maybe he had finally passed the breaking point.

He closed his eyes, but much to his dismay, was not going to get any sleep right now.

"You don't think that I am letting you off the hook because of a little bullet wound, do you?" Ed asked. Sam opened his eyes. Ed walked over and handed him one of the cups.

"Thanks." Sam said, in a bit of whisper.

Ed sat down next to the bed, and looked him over.

"So." He said.

"So..." Sam said nervously. He fidgeted uncomfortably under his commanding officer's harsh stare.

"Start talking." Ed ordered.

Sam took a deep breath. There was no way he was getting out of it this time. And to be honest, he didn't want to run from it any longer. It was time to come clean.

Ed listened patiently as Sam explained what the past few days had been like for him.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces. Darren and Matt…and everybody else who we couldn't save. Every single person I've pulled the trigger on. It's getting to point that I don't want to sleep anymore. I'm afraid to close my eyes."

"I know how tough this job can be, Sam. We all have sleepless nights, and nightmares. And when it get like that for me, I just try and remember everyone we've saved. Because it may not seem like it, but we have had much more success than not. And sometimes, when that's not enough, it's okay to ask for help. No one will think less of you for it."

"I know." Sam said softly. It was a relief to know that even Ed, the toughest guy on the team, felt the same way sometimes.

"How did this whole thing even get started? You didn't just decided to drop everything and decide to start taking cocaine." Ed deducted.

Sam described how he got hooked in the army.

"After a while, I noticed that I wasn't the same person anymore. I decided that I couldn't continue that way, and so I stopped. It wasn't easy, though."

"None of that's in your file." Ed stated solemnly.

"That's because I never got caught before." Sam sighed.

"Lying about your background is justification enough to have you fired, Sam." Ed told him.

"Well, if that's how it's going to be, I guess I deserve it." He was trying not to show how upset he was, but he wasn't doing a very good job. "I'll come by to clean out my locker as soon as they let me out of here."

Ed's expression softened a bit.

"Okay well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. After all, it's not even my call. And if there's one thing I know about the Sergeant, it's that he's a bit of a push over. I don't think you have to think about cleaning out your locker just yet, Sam."

Sam looked hopeful again, so Ed decided to cut him back down.

"You know, I do have to tell Greg about this."

Sam looked like he was about to protest, but then thought better of it.

"And he can decided what to do with you from here. I'll let him be the bad guy. I'm just glad your okay." Ed told him.

Sam smiled meekly. No matter how hard Greg tried, he could never be a bad guy.

"Hey, I'm sorry about being such a jerk to you guys. I was just…I don't know."

"That's alright." Ed said. "I'm sure no one will hold it against you. And you can apologize to the rest of the team later. Why don't you get some sleep now." Ed stood up to leave.

"Yessir." Sam said eagerly. He was so tired. "I'll probably be out tomorrow. You think…I should show up for work?"

"Well, you got shot. I don't think you're going to be much help to us in the field. But you should drop by to talk to the boss. I'm sure he'll have a few things to say about this whole situation."

Sam nodded. He was grateful to Ed for being so understanding.

Ed picked up his jacket and stood up.

"It's getting late, I should probably go…"

"Thanks." Sam said. "You know. For spying on me? I probably would've been dead right now if you hadn't."

"Any time." Ed replied. He waved. "I'll see you at later." And with that, he was gone.

Sam sighed. He put the coffee, which he hadn't actually touched, on the bedside table. It had been a pretty long day. A pretty long few days, actually. But he felt a huge weight lifted off his chest now. And with that sense of relief, he leaned back and closed his eyes. Maybe now, for the first time in a long time, he would be able to sleep easy.

A/N - Okay so that's it! What did you think? Maybe a bit unrealistic in terms of how the issue was dealt with by Ed, but hey. This isn't real life, it's fiction! Sorry about the shortness of the chapter. Please leave a comment. Thanks!


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